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THE MORAL EQUIVALENT OF

PUBLIC FLATULENCE

Cell phones are ubiquitous and they're here to stay, though they will eventually be imbedded in our skulls. There have been many etiquette guidelines written, but few people seem to be reading them. We're going to make this easy. And please, let's self-regulate before the phone control liberals create a national registry, and take away our right to carry a concealed communications device.

It's simple: Treat cell phone usage just like smoking cigarettes in public.

(Or, if you like, belching or flatus production in public.)

Our social consciousness has finally been raised regarding smokers etiquette. Let's not take as long to do the same for cell phones. You wouldn't blow smoke in someone's face; therefore, don't blow your cell phone conversation in someone's face. You wouldn't light up while you're in line at the bank; likewise, don't cell phone there, either. YOU think your conversations are enlightening, cerebral, and important, but the rest of us don't. Old-fashioned telephone booths had a secondary purpose besides giving you privacy - they also shielded us from your blathering. Now that distance conversations can take place anywhere you can get a signal, society is in more dire need of a cell phone courtesy in-service training session than any white man I've ever met. Furthermore, these manners should be taught early on to children, along with not holding their fork overhand, not putting their after-dinner cigarette out on the plate, replacing the roll of toilet tissue when they finish it, not putting their shod feet on the furniture, and saying "please" and "thank you." If you're not teaching these things, we pity the poor fool that marries your kid.

COLUMN

CELL PHONE ETIQUETTE

Turn off your cell phone (or at least, the ringer):

in court
at the ballet
in church, synagogue, mosque, or NRA services
in driver's retraining school

Only answer your cell phone if absolutely

necessary:

at your Co-dependents Anonymous meeting
during your social worker's surprise visit
while in line at the adult bookstore
when you're already talking on a land line (you popular person, you)
at any service window where you might interact with a fellow human being

If a true emergency call comes in during these or similar situations, then (and only then) quietly and apologetically excuse yourself and take or return the call in private. Your fellow ditto-heads will wait. Surprisingly, you are not that damned important. All other calls can be returned later.

If your cell phone rings, or you must place a call in any other scenario not mentioned above, and there are others within earshot, excuse yourself and go talk in private. This will REALLY impress 'em. We don't want to hear your conversation - for real. The one exception here is if the call concerns the close friends, family members, or cellmates that you're with at the time. The other one exception is: if it's your wife's "work" calling, all etiquette rules are suspended.

Keep this analogy in mind: Wherever you wouldn't smoke (or belch, or intentionally produce flatulence), you shouldn't talk on a cell phone unless it's a true emergency. Remember, only you can prevent a new generation of rude citizens - and forest fires. Teach (and use) good manners.

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